Movies Titles in Java

Enemy at the Gates -- Musuhe Wis Tekan Gapuro

Batman Forever -- Ngembat Saklawase

Remember the Titans -- Kelingan Titan-titan

The Italian Job -- Gaweane Wong Ngerum

Die Hard I -- Matine Angel

Die Hard II -- Matine Angel Tenan

Die Hard III With A Vengeance -- Kowe Kok Ra Mati-mati Tho?

Bad Boys -- Bocah-bocah Uelek

Sleepless in Seattle -- Klesikan neng Seattle

Lost in Space -- Ilang Neng Awang-awang

X-Men 1 -- Wong Lanang Saru

X-Men 2 -- Wong Lanang Saru Banget

X-Men 3 (Belum dirilis) -- Alvin

Cheaper by Dozen -- Tumbas Selusin Langkung Mirah

The Cooler -- Selot Adem

Paycheck -- Kasbon

Independence Day -- Pitulasan

The Day After Tomorrow -- Sesuke

Die Another Day -- Modare Ojo Saiki

There is Something About Marry -- Marry Ono Apa-apane

Silence of the Lamb -- Wedhuse Mutung

All The Pretty Horses -- Jarane Ayu2 (saka Legenda Pasar Kewan Mbahrowo)

Planet of the Apes -- Planete Wong Apes

Gone in Sixty Second -- Minggat Sakcepete

Original Sin -- Dosa Tenanan

Mummy Returns -- Mami-mami podo Mudik

The Abyss -- Entek-entekan

Copycat -- Kopi Kucing (nggo konco Sego Kucing)

Seabiscuit -- Klethikan Neng Laut

Freddy vs Jason -- Kerah

Terminator -- Terminal Montor

How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days -- Piye Carane Megat Lanangan mung 10 Dino

Lord Of The Ring -- pedagang akik...

Deep Impact -- Ngantem Njero

Million Dollar Baby -- Genjik Regone Sayuto

Blackhawk Down -- Manuk ireng kenek bedhil

Saving Private Ryan -- Ngelesi privat mas rian (pancene goblok tenan opo?)

Dumb and Dumber -- Wong Goblok lan guoooblok tenan

Tips Aman Naik Taksi

Tindak kejahatan yang dilakukan para penjahat pada saat kita ber-taksi memang susah untuk diduga kapan terjadi. Karena itu, tindakan preventif menjadi sangat perlu untuk mengantisipasi kondisi tersebut, untuk menjaga hal-hal yang tidak kita inginkan terjadi.

Berikut ini ada 9 tips agar aman dan nyaman saat kita naik taksi, terutama bagi kaum perempuan:

1. Saat memberhentikan atau saat memilih periksa jumlah roda. Saat anda memberhentikan atau memilih taksi, pastikan jumlah rodanya 4, sebab kalo cuma 3 berarti anda naik bajaj.

2. Periksa juga tempat duduknya. Kalau jumlahnya banyak, berarti Anda naik angkot atau metromini.Kalau ga ada tempat duduknya, berarti anda naik mobil angkutan ternak.

3. Bertanya. Jangan pernah malu untuk bertanya, karena malu bertanya sesat di jalan, bahkan besar kemaluan susah berjalan.

4. Perhatikan selalu argo meter. Pastikan tulisannya "argo meter", jangan sampe tulisannya Argo Bromo atau Argo Gede (karena kesalahan ini amat fatal dan membuat Anda makin jauh dari tujuan).

5. Perlakuan terhadap sopir. Sama pak supir jangan terlalu galak nanti diusir, dan jangan pula terlalu baik nanti ditaksir.

6. Saat duduk. Yakinkan diri Anda bahwa Anda sudah duduk di dalam taksi itu sebelum taksinya berjalan, karena kalau tidak, jangan-jangan Anda masih duduk di halte bus, dan belum terbawa oleh taksi itu.

7. Saat taksi berjalan. Jangan melompat keluar taksi selagi taksi itu berjalan, karena akan sangat membahayakan orang lain. Jangan mengeluarkan anggota badan keluar jendela taksi, karena mungkin akan mengacaukan konsentrasi pengguna jalan yang lain. Bila mengeluarkan anggota badan di dalam taksi, anda juga akan mengacaukan konsentrasi sopir taksinya.

8. Jangan pernah tertidur di dalam perjalanan saat Anda naik taksi. Hal ini perlu diperhatikan karena untuk menghindari supir taksi menagih tarif taksi plus tarif sewa kamar.

9. Merokok dalam taksi. Merokok dalam taksi ber-AC sebaiknya dihindari, kalau tidak dapat dihindari, sebaiknya Anda jangan menyundut supir taksi dengan rokok, agar perjalanan anda tetap nyaman.

So hati-hati... Smoga bermanfaat ya...

Taksi

Seorang wisatawan Jepang baru sampai di jakarta. Kemudian dia memberhentikan sebuah taksi Timor yang disupiri oleh Chandra.

Wisatawan Jepang: Pak ke Hotel Indonesia (dengan logat jepang yg masih keliatan)
Chandra : Baik pak

Taksi tersebut melewati jalan tol. Tiba2 dari samping kiri sebuah Toyota Vios melewati taksi tersebut.
Wisatawan Jepang: ahh, Toyota, made in Japan, very fast, very fast (masih dengan logat jepang nya)
Chandra hanya diam saja.

5 menit kemudian sebuah Mitsubishi Lancer melewati taksi tersebut.
Wisatawan Jepang: ahh, Mitsubishi, made in Japan, very fast, very fast
Chandra mulai berpikir dalem hati: neh orang sombong amat, mentang2 dari Jepang.

5 menit kemudian melesat Honda City di kanan taksi.
Wisatawan Jepang itu ngomong lagi: aahh, Honda, made in Japan, very fast, very fast
Chandra hanya diam saja.

20 menit kemudian taksi sudah sampai di Hotel Indonesia.
Wisatawan Jepang: Berapa ongkosnya?
Chandra: Rp.500.000
Wisatawan Jepang: Mahal sekali, apa gak salah???
Chandra: ini Argo, made in Japan, very fast, very fast (sambil nunjuk ke Argo)

Mahasiswa

Seorang Mahasiswa baru terlihat lagi asyik ngobrol dengan seorang Pengemis di sebuah halte bus di kampus Universitas Indonesia (UI) Depok, Jakarta.

Mahasiswa: "Udah lama Ngemis di sini, pak??"

Pengemis: "Kurang lebih udah 8 tahun , dik!"

Mahasiswa: "Lama juga ya pak..sehari biasanya dapet uang berapa pak??"

Pengemis: "Paling sedikit Gocap (50 ribu) dik .."

Mahasiswa: "Banyak juga ya pak!?"

Pengemis: "Lumayanlah untuk keluarga..."

Mahasiswa: "Ngomong-ngomong keluarga bapak ada di mana ??"

Pengemis: "Anak saya semuanya ada 3, yang ke-1 di UGM Jogja, yang ke-2 di ITB Bandung dan yang ke-3 di IPB Bogor..."

Mahasiswa: "Hebat banget nih bapak.., eh.. anak bapak itu semuanya kuliah???"

Pengemis : "Nggak.... semuanya ngemis seperti saya ..."

Pacaran

Agus yang cenderung pendiam sangat gugup menghadapi kencan pertamanya. Ia lalu bertanya kepada sahabatnya.
"Aku takut kalau nanti komunikasinya tidak lancar. Bagaimana sih cara menyiasatinya?"
"Perempuan itu paling suka kalau diajak ngobrol soal keluarga, makanan dan hal-hal yang berbau filsafat. Coba deh, pasti kencanmu menyenangkan", saran sahabatnya.

Agus pun dengan lebih percaya diri pergi berkencan. Sayangnya begitu saling menanyakan apa kabar, keduanya langsung terdiam. Kebisuan terus berlanjut.
Teringat saran sahabatnya, Agus bertanya teman kencannya, "Kamu punya kakak?"
"Tidak."

Terdiam lagi. Agus mencoba topik kedua, "Kamu suka masakan Padang nggak?"
"Nggak."

Agus serasa mati kutu. Lalu ia teringat topik ketiga. Mencoba sesuatu yang filosofis, Agus bertanya, "Seandainya kamu punya kakak, kira-kira ia suka masakan Padang nggak ya.....?"

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns?

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here.

The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual.

I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady .

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.

I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.

I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Mrs... Lisa





Dear Lisa:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.

Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line.

If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter

Taken from "Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns?" of Adil

Funny Quotes

Practice makes a man perfect... - But nobody's perfect..... . So why practice?

Money is not everything. - There's MasterCard & Visa.

One should love animals. - They are so tasty.

Save water. - Shower with your girl friend.

Love thy neighbour. - But don't get caught.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

Every man should marry. - After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

The wise never marry - And when they marry they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term. - It brings so many relatives.

Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.

Love is photogenic - It needs darkness to develop

Children in backseats cause accidents - Accidents in backseats cause children

"Your future depends on your dreams" - So go to sleep

There should be a better way to start a day - Than waking up every morning

"Hard work never killed anybody" - But why take the risk !

"Work fascinates me" - I can look at it for hours!

God made relatives; - Thank God we can choose our friends.

When two's company, - three's the result!

The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know - So... Why learn.

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.... What more can I say........

Taken from "Funny Quotes" of madil80

Funny 10-Answering-Phone Messages

10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.

8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling..... And I'll think about returning your call.

7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.

3. Hi. Now YOU say something.

2. Hi. I'm probably home; I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slow. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.

Taken from "Funny 10-Answering-Phone Messages" of Adil

A Millionaire & Three Beggars

There was a good-natured millionaire in the town. Three beggars thought of approaching him for help. The first man went to the millionaire and said: "O Lord! I want five rupees. Please give me." The millionaire was taken aback at this man's impudence. "What! You demand five rupees from me as though I owe you the money! How dare you? How can I afford to give five rupees to a single beggar? Here, take these two rupees and get away," he said. The man went away with the two rupees.

The next beggar went to the millionaire and said: "Oh Lord! I have not taken a square meal for the past ten days. Please help me."
"How much do you want?" asked the millionaire.

"Whatever you give me, Maharaj," replied the beggar.
"Here, take this ten rupee note. You can have nice food for at least three days." The beggar walked away with the ten rupee note.

The third beggar came. "Oh Lord, I have heard about your noble qualities. Therefore, I have come to see you. Men of such charitable disposition are verily the manifestations of God on earth," he said.

"Please sit down," said the millionaire. "You appear to be tired. Please take this food," he said, and offered food to the beggar.
"Now please tell me what I can do for you."

"Oh Lord," replied the beggar; "I merely came to meet such a noble personage that you are. You have given me this rich food already. What more need I get from you? You have already shown extraordinary kindness towards me. May God bless you!"

But the millionaire, struck by the beggar's spirit, begged of the beggar to remain with him, built a decent house for him in his own compound, and looked after him for the rest of his life.

God is like this good millionaire. Three classes of people approach Him, with three different desires and prayers. There is the greedy man full of vanity, full of arrogance, full of desires. He demands the objects of worldly enjoyment from God. Since this man, whatever be his vile desires, has had the good sense to approach God, He grants him some part of the desired objects (even these very soon pass away, just as the two rupees the first beggar got are spent before nightfall).

The other type of devotee prays to the Lord for relief from the sufferings of the world, but is better than the first one, in as much as he is ready to abide by His Will. To him the Lord grants full relief from suffering, and bestows on him much wealth and property.

The third type he merely prays to the Lord: "O Lord, Thou art Existence-Absolute, Knowledge-Absolute, Bliss-Absolute, etc., etc." What does he want? Nothing. But the Lord is highly pleased with his spirit of renunciation, of desirelessness and of self-surrender. Therefore, He makes him eat His own food, I.e., He grants this man Supreme Devotion to Himself. Over and above this, He makes the devotee to live in His own House For ever afterwards this devotee dwells in the Lord's Abode as a Liberated Sage.

Taken from "A Millionaire & Three Beggars" of Adil

The Touchstone

When the great library of Alexandria burned, the story goes, one book was saved. But it was not a valuable book; and so a poor man, who could read a little, bought it for a few coppers.

The book wasn't very interesting, but between its pages there was something very interesting indeed. It was a thin strip of vellum on which was written the secret of the "Touchstone"!

The touchstone was a small pebble that could turn any common metal into pure gold. The writing explained that it was lying among thousands and thousands of other pebbles that looked exactly like it. But the secret was this: The real stone would feel warm, while ordinary pebbles are cold.

So the man sold his few belongings, bought some simple supplies, camped on the seashore, and began testing pebbles. He knew that if he picked up ordinary pebbles and threw them down again because they were cold, he might pick up the same pebble hundreds of times. So, when he felt one that was cold, he threw it into the sea. He spent a whole day doing this but none of them was the touchstone. Yet he went on and on this way. Pick up a pebble. Cold - throw it into the sea. Pick up another. Throw it into the sea.

The days stretched into weeks and the weeks into months. One day, however, about midafternoon, he picked up a pebble and it was warm. He threw it into the sea before he realized what he had done. He had formed such a strong habit of throwing each pebble into the sea that when the one he wanted came along, he still threw it away.

So it is with opportunity. Unless we are vigilant, it's easy to fail to recognize an opportunity when it is in hand and it's just as easy to throw it away.

Taken from "The Touchstone" of Adil

The Dreams

The first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn't already know. I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder. I turned around to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that that lit up her entire being.

She said, "Hi, handsome. My name is Rose. I'm eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?" I laughed and enthusiastically responded, "Of course you may!" and she gave me a giant squeeze.

"Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?" I asked.

She jokingly replied, "I'm here to meet a rich husband, get married, have a couple of children, and then retire and travel."

"No seriously," I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age.

"I always dreamed of having a college education and now I'm getting one!" she told me.

After class we walked to the student union building and share a chocolate milkshake. We became instant friends. Every day for the next three months we would leave class together and talk nonstop. I was always mesmerized listening to this "time machine" as she shared her wisdom and experience with me.

Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went. She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was living it up.

At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet. I'll never forget what she taught us. She was introduced and stepped up to the podium. As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor. Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said, "I'm sorry I'm so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me! I'll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell you what I know."

As we laughed she cleared her throat and began: "We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing. There are only few secrets to staying young, being happy, and achieving success. "You have to laugh and find humor every day. You've got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die. We have so many people walking around who are dean and don't even know it!"

"There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up. If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don't do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old. If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight. Anybody can grow older. That doesn't take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding the opportunity in change."

"Have no regrets. The elderly usually don't have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets."

She concluded her speech by courageously singing The Rose. She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives. At the years end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those years ago.

One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep.

Remember : GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY, GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.

Taken from "The Dreams" of Adil

Someone Who Understands

A store owner was taking a sign above his door that read: "Puppies For Sale". Signs like that have a way of attracting small children and sure enough, a little boy appeared under the store owner's sign.

"How much are you going to sell the puppies for?" he asked.
The store owner replied, "Anywhere from $30 to $50."
The little boy reached in his pocket and pulled out some change.
"I have $2.37," he said. "Can I please look at them?"

The store owner smiled and whistled, and out of the kennel came Lady, who ran out in the aisle of his store followed by five teeny, tiny balls of fur. One puppy was lagging considerably behind.

Immediately the little boy singled out the lagging, limping puppy and said, "What's wrong with that little dog?"
The store owner explained that the veterinarian had examined the little puppy and had discovered it didn't have a hip socket. It would always be lame. The little boy became excited.

"That is the puppy that I want to buy."
The store owner said, "No, you don't want to buy that little dog. If you really want him, I'll just give him to you."

The little boy got quite upset. He looked straight into the store owner's eyes, pointing his finger, and said, "I don't want you to give him to me. That little dog is worth every bit as much as all the other dogs and I'll pay full price. In fact, I'll give you $2.37 now, and 50 cents a month until I have him paid for."

The store owner countered, "You really don't want to buy this little dog. He is never going to be able to run and jump and play with you like the other puppies."

To his surprise, the little boy reached down and rolled up his pant leg to reveal a badly twisted, crippled left leg supported by a big metal brace.

He looked up at the store owner and softly replied, "Well, I don't run so well myself, and the little puppy will need someone who understands."Don't we all need someone who understands?

Taken from "Someone Who Understands" of YST

Funny Cynical Early Christmas Carol

You'd better watch out,
You'd better not cry;
You'd better keep cash,
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.

It's hitting you once,
It's hitting you twice
It doesn't care if you've been careful and wise
Recession is coming to town

It's worthless if you've got shares
It's worthless if you've got bonds
It's safe when you've got cash in hand
So keep cash for goodness sake, HEY

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town!

Finance products are confusing
Finance products are so vague
The banks make you bear the cost of risk
So keep out for goodness sake, OH

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.

What makes 100%?

You have never used the ABC this way, believe me.

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K is 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E is 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E is 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T is 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G is 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

One of good collections from amenth of YST.

Words to Live by Zen Sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

One of good collections from madil80 of YST

Human Resources Manager

The story of our lives ....You will love it ..read through every bit ... Please do not tell your Human Resources Manager or your own boss about it :-)

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St.Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter.
"Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough,we've never once had a
Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well
dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave.
Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St.Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," The woman paused for a second and then replied,"Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her smiled and told...
"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee."

Top Reasons Why Ladies Today are Still Single

FOR SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

Top reasons why ladies today are still SINGLE !!

1. The nice men are ugly.

2. The handsome men are not nice.

3. The handsome and nice men are gay.

4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.

7. The handsome men without money are after our money.

8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.

9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.

10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!

11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

NOW, WHO THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?

"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with."

Only for Guys

HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED WHY MEN LIE..?

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
"Yes", he replied.
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Angelina Jolie, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share me with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Angelina Jolie."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.. MOSTLY his wife! That's our story, and we're sticking to it..

Signed: THE GUYS.

The Beatles for IT Guys

YESTERDAY
By Beatles

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay
Now my database has gone away
Oh I believe in yesterday.....
Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be
And there's a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say
Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away
I knew my data was all here to stay
Now I believe in yesterday


IMAGINE
By John Lennon

Imagine there's no Windows
It's easy if you try
No fatal errors or new bugs
To kill your hard drives
Imagine Mr. Bill Gates
Leaving us in peace!
Imagine never ending hard disks
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to del or wipe off
And no floppy too
Imagine Mr. Bill Gates
Sharing all his money
You may say I'm a hacker
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And your games will fit in RAM
Imagine 1-Giga RAM
I wonder if you can
No need for left-shifts or setups
And no booting again and again
Imagine all the systems
Working all life-time!
You may say I'm a hacker
But I'm not the only one
Maybe someday I'll be a cracker
And then I'll make Windows run.....


LET IT BE
By Beatles

When I find my code in tons of trouble
Friends and colleagues come to me
Speaking words of wisdom: Write in C
As the deadline fast approaches
And bugs are all that I can see
Somewhere, someone whispers: Write in C Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C
LOGO's dead and buried
Write in C
I used to write a lot of FORTRAN
For science it worked flawlessly
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C
If you've just spent nearly 30 hours
Debugging some assembly
Soon you will be glad to Write in C Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, yeah, Write in C
BASIC's not the answer
Write in C
Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C
Pascal won't quite cut it
Write in C

Engineering Lesson

Today's lesson - Girls must be convinced, so learn to promote yourself - convince them that "Engineers are the Best"

Let me tell you why girls should eventually marry an engineer over a Law, Management, Arts or Medical School graduate. He has three distinct advantages over the rest of the graduates.

Advantage 1: Secure lifestyle

An engineer boyfriend can provide you with a secure lifestyle. At 27 years old, an engineer probably has a respectable, stable job that gives him a high income to own a car, invest, have a comfortable life, and get married and buy a house too. Law graduates are still working as a lowly apprentice in a law firm, most management graduates have just failed on their first business plan, the arts graduate is still looking for a job, and the medical school
graduate is still living in a hospital.

Advantage 2: Unmatchable industriousness

An engineer boyfriend will dedicate an unimaginable amount of his time and effort to understand you. Engineers strain really really hard to understand their work. You can believe that they will try really really hard to understand women too, just like how they understand their work, once they believe that you are the one. So even if they don't understand you initially, they will keep on trying. Even if they still do not understand, they will figure out the correct method to keep you happy (e.g. buy diamond ring = 1 week's worth of happiness.) And once they find out the secret formula, they will just keep on repeating it so that the desired results appear. Unlike the Lawyer who will argue with you, the Management graduate who will try to control your spending, the Arts graduate who will 'change major', and the medical school graduate who will operate on you. And you know what, it's really so easy to make engineers believe that you are the 'only one'. Say that you like one of their projects and they will be hooked to you forever.

Advantage 3:

An engineer boyfriend will never betray your trust. Let me first tell you what is wrong with the rest of the others - the lawyers will lie about everything, management graduates will cheat your money, the arts graduate will flirt, and you probably just look like another cadaver to the the medical school graduate. Your engineer boyfriend is either too busy to have an affair, and even if he does, he is too dumb to lie to you about that.


Hence, an engineer is the most secure boyfriend that you will ever find - rich enough, will keep on trying to understand and please you, has no time for affairs, and too dumb to lie to you. So girls, why procrastinate? Get an engineer for your boyfriend!

Kok Beng the Crazy Singaporean

Why did Kok Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends?
Because below 18 not allowed ! -------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Kok Beng wants to buy a TV set. He goes to a shop.
Kok Beng : "Do you have color TV ?"
Salesgirl : "Yes !"
Kok Beng : "Give me a green one, please " -------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Kok Beng is filling up an application form for a job. He supplied the information for the columns on Name, Age, Address etc. Then he comes to column on "Salary Expected", but he is not sure of the question. After
much thought, he writes " Yes" -------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Kok Beng goes to a store and sees a shiny object.
Kok Beng : "What is that shiny object ?"
Salesgirl : "That is a thermos flask ."
Kok Beng : "What does it do ?"
Salesgirl : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Kok Beng : "I'll buy it"
The next day, Kok Beng goes to work with his thermo flask.
Boss : "What is that shiny object ?"
Kok Beng : "It's a thermos flask."
Boss : "What does it do ?"
Kok Beng : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Boss : "What do you have in it !?"
Kok Beng : " Two cups of coffee and one cup of ice cream" -------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

After taking photocopies of documents, Kok Beng always compares it with the original for spelling mistakes. -------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Kok Beng always smiles during lightning storms because he thinks his picture is being taken. -------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Why can't Kok Beng dial 911? Because he can't find the number 11 (eleven) on the phone. -------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Kok Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it. When he encountered some problems. He decide to use the 'Help' command after some tries. Soon after, he became very irritated and called the computer retailer for support.
Kok Beng : "I press the 'F1' key for help lah, but it's been over half an hour and still nobody come and help me ?!" -------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Kok Beng with two red ears went to his doctor.
The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear"
"Oh dear !" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But .... what happened to the other ear ?"
Kok Beng answered : "That stupid dumbo called back!!!!" -------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Kok Beng talk to a long-distance telephone operator.
Kok Beng: "COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME THE TIME DIFFERENCE BETWEEN Taipei AND LAS VEGAS ?"
Operator: "JUST A MINUTE..."
Kok Beng : "THANK YOU " AND PUTS DOWN THE PHONE. -------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite some time, Kok Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.
"It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT", Kok Beng brags.
"FIVE MONTHS ? THAT'S TOO LONG", the friend exclaims.
"YOU ARE A FOOL." Kok Beng replies, "SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN FOR 4-7 YRS". -------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

At a bar in New York, the man to Kok Beng's left tells the bartender, "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE" and his companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE".
The bartender approaches Kok Beng and asks, "AND YOU, SIR ?"
Kok Beng replies : "Tan Kok Beng, MARRIED"

Old Russian Jokes

USA: "We have a free speech. You can say anything you want. You can come to the White House and say that the American president is asshole".
Soviet Union: "We have a free speech as well. You can say anything you want. You can also come to the Red Square and say that the American president is asshole".


When the first direct phone line was established between White House and Kremlin, Brezhnev calls Carter (may be, it was not Carter, but who cares):
- Jimmy, I had nightmare. In my dream, White House was repainted to Red.
Next night, Carter calls Brezhnev:
- Leonid, I also had nightmare. I saw Red Square - all red with big red sign on the Kremlin.
- And what was written on the sign?
- No idea, I do not understand Chinese.


Do you know the one about the rabbit in DDR? a rabbit went everyday to a butcher and asked for carrots. After a lot of days the butcher was angry and nailed him to the wall. The rabbit looked in front of him and there was the picture of Erich Honecker. So he asked: did you wanted some carrots also?

Thanks to Nesher and MandyM from YST for the jokes :-)

The Barber

There is this good old barber in some city in the US. One day a florist goes to him for a haircut.
After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service."
The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A policeman goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut.
But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service."
The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donut waiting at his door.

An Indonesian software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut.
But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service."
The Indonesian software engineer is happy and leaves. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there...















Can you guess?















Do you know the answer yet?















Come on, think like an Indonesian...















A DOZEN INDONESIAN WAITING FOR FREE HAIRCUT !!!

PS: Please, it's just a joke :-)

Usia Pernikahan Pengaruhi Kemesraan

Here is another joke about " the duration of marriage affects the intimacy" but i'm sorry it is in Indonesia :-)

Sebelum Bobo:
6 minggu: selamat bobo sayang, mimpi indah ya, mmmuach.
6 bulan: tolong matiin lampunya, silau nih.
6 tahun : Kesana-an doong... kamu tidur dempet2an kayak mikrolet gini sih?!

Pakai Toilet:
6 minggu: ngga apa-apa, kamu duluan deh, aku ngga buru2 koq.
6 bulan: masih lama ngga nih?
6 tahun: brug! brug! brug! (suara pintu digedor), kalo mau tapa di gunung kawi sono!

Ngajarin Nyetir:
6 minggu: hati-hati say, injek kopling dulu baru masukin perseneling ya
6 bulan: pelan-pelan dong lepas koplingnya.
6 tahun: pantesan sering ke bengkel, masukin persenelingnya aja kayak gini!

Balesin SMS:
6 minggu: iya sayang, bentar lagi nyampe rumah koq, aku beli martabak kesukaanmu dulu ya
6 bulan: mct bgt di jln nih
6 tahun: ok.

Dating process:
6 minggu: I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 bulan: Of course I love U.
6 tahun : Ya iyalah!! kalau aku tidak cinta kamu, ngapain nikah sama kamu??

Back from Work:
6 minggu: Honey, aku pulang...
6 bulan : I'm BACK!!
6 tahun: Si mbok masak apa hari ini??

Hadiah (ulang tahun):
6 minggu : Sayangku, kuharap kau menyukai cincin yang kubeli
6 bulan : Aku membeli lukisan, nampaknya cocok dengan suasana ruang tengah
6 tahun : Nih duitnya, loe beli sendiri deh yang loe mau

Telepon:
6 minggu: Baby, ada yang pengen bicara ama kamu di telpon
6 bulan : Eh...ini buat kamu nih...
6 tahun : WOOIII TELPON BUNYI TUUUHHH....ANGKAT DUOOONG!!!

Masakan:
6 minggu: Wah, tak kusangka rasa makanan ini begitu lezaattt...!!!
6 bulan: Kita makan apa malam ini??
6 tahun: HAH? MAKANAN INI LAGI?

Memaafkan:
6 minggu: Udah gak apa-apa sayang, nanti kita beli lagi ya
6 bulan: Hati-hati! Nanti jatuh tuh.
6 tahun: KAMU GAK NGERTI2 YA DAH BERIBU2 KALI AKU BILANGIN

Baju baru:
6 minggu: Duhai kasihku, kamu seperti bidadari dengan pakaian itu
6 bulan: Lho, kamu beli baju baru lagi?
6 tahun: BELI BAJU ITU HABIS BERAPA??

Rencana liburan:
6 minggu: Gimana kalau kita jalan-jalan ke Amerika atau ke tempat yg kamu mau honey?
6 bulan: Ke Surabaya naik bis aja ya gak usah pakai pesawat...
6 tahun: JALAN-JALAN? DIRUMAH AJA KENAPA SEH? NGABISIN UANG AJA!

TV:
6 minggu: Baby, apa yg pengen kita tonton malam ini ?
6 bulan : Sebentar ya, filmnya bagus banget nih.
6 tahun: JANGAN DIGANTI-GANTI DONG CHANNELNYA AH! GAK BISA LIAT ORANG SENENG DIKIT APA ?!

Smart vs Dumb

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

The Bird Lesson

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold that the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

Reference: The Bird Lesson

"Stupid" Questions with "Smart" Answers

BOY: May I hold your hand?
GIRL: No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL: Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY: You love me...

GIRL: If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY: Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL: I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY: Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL: Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY: Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY: I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL: How soon??

BOY: I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL: Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON: Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY: I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN: You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN: NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE: You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND: You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?
PETER: A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

Girlfriend: "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend: "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

Teacher: "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil: "The moon".
Teacher: "Why?"
Pupil: "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".

Teacher: "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil: "A teacher".

Waiter: "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer: "What other colors do you have?"

My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

Teacher: "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam: "It's a family tradition".
Teacher: "What do you mean?"
Sam: "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher: "What about your mother?"
Sam: "She's a woman".

Tom: "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".

Teacher: "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student: "Brotherly love".

Teacher: "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam: "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

Patient: "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor: "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".

Teacher: " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."

Teacher: " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."